The Cocoon

This year has had so many ups and downs so far... One of the biggest things that I am starting to notice about myself is that I am way more bitter about life then I used to be. I complain and judge alot, I also put myself into these depressing moods then I don't do anything about it. I see more negative then I do the positive. My optimisim that life will one day be great but focus on the now is dwindling. For example, I have finally completed my Certificate Program in Electrical Construction and Maintenance as of this summer, and I have been to afraid to try looking for a job in the field because I feel like I am unsure and not ready for it. Since I quit my first Job at Round Table Pizza and been at school and then working my colorguard job, I have been keeping myself away alot almost making a cocoon for myself to finally become this man that I have always wanted to be. I have just been so scared to take that step because I am so unsure. Recently I tried pushing out a little and I found myself someone that I relate to someone that I am comfortable with being around. It has begun a new chapter in my life and it has kinda given me that drive to push again. I am still somewhat unsure with life but I have to keep my favorite belief or thought if you may that "Everything is gonna be ok, you just have to make it through the storm." I can't plan for the future nor can I reflect on the past. I need to focus on myself at the current moment and decide from there. As I evaluate myself in this cocoon that I am shielding myself in I have become what I wish I don't want to. I am exactly like my siblings, I am that person that isn't trying to reach for the better but rather comfortable with being ok and mediocre. I have wonderful friends and I have met another just as wonderful. They have allowed me of seeing the things that can happen for me but I have to work hard for it I have to stretch myself further than what I need to, as well as to fight into making my life as wonderful as I dream it. I don't ask for much and I live a simple life I just need to lay down that emotional foundation and get myself a going. I need to break free from this cocoon that I have made for myself and break out as the most awesome person I know I can be.

The Start of Something Great

I think I just had a light come out of a crack in a personal breakthrough.... I've always told myself to keep a straight face and stay strong, never show weakness... I have never truly cried for anything or anyone since I was a kid in Junior High/Elementary.... I have had my upsets in life and maybe shed a couple tears here and there... But never anything so personal... Tonight I cried... Tonight I finally broke and finally do relize how much strength I have had for so long, how much it takes to do what I have done... And how much I have destroyed for keeping it all in... This sadness, this cloud that lingers around me has just been building into this storm... Its holding back into what I can truly become... I have always wanted to do something that I loved and still have yet to find it. I have always dreamed of doing something or being apart of something so Great that it changed lives... I have always tried to stay so humble and appreciate everything that life has given me but alot I have taken for granted because I have had a mind set that I was never good enough that I would never be anything I would never amount to nothing... I always asked myself why would a person think of such things and I think of my life... I just want to have a family that will support me... Growing up I never got that... I never had a sense of support I always had that mindset that I have to fight on my own to make it, but I have had that mindset ever sense I was in Elementary... I have always explored the world on my own, learned things on my own... It wasn't until recently how alone I was... I have friends... But I don't have someone that knows me as well as they think they know me... I have always been an open book about my life... However I never been an open book about how I feel about my life... I mostly avoid the feeling the emotion when it comes to me talking about my life... Just what I have seen it to be... Its something that can't be explained something that has to be felt... The pain, the struggle, the facade that everything is ok even when it isnt... I am learning to let go and letting the world see my pain, see my hopelessness, see the world in which my emotions are taking me... I am beginning to embrace me...

Leaving the Family

For the longest time I have always dreamed of that family that was disfunctional yet caring and supportive... My family has the disfunctional part down, but there is hardly any love or support... I'm done with trying to be apart of the family im in. I've tried helping to set them a place to start a live from the situations they grew up in but its just that all over again they still haven't learned they still haven't grown up and I am getting screwed over because of it... Its funny now that I have been at my dad's with my step mom and dad who hardly knows me, threw me a surprise party for my birthday which I stopped celebrating since '06 because of the family drama. It's a completely different environment here... I am starting to have a life and met so many awesome people and made some awesome friends. And there are a few that have opened my eyes a little more and just have inspired me to be better, faster, stronger in life... They give me someone to finally look up to, even though right now in life this year has been the biggest emotional stuggle and the hurdles of life has struck me down on more than one occasion, so me being better, faster, strong has gotten off to the wrong foot. However, its starting to sink in that I can be awesome too. These people, (Will, Ryan, Moses, Tim, Kiara, Tracy and most importantly Diana and Victor) have gotten me to think and wonder about my life, what I can change, what I can do for me to enjoy life while working hard to not have to worry so much... With that said I can't take care of my family or even try until I can take care of myself, and with the way things are going the have made this truly an uphill battle. I think its time that I admit that my biological family is not really a family at all and I need to just leave them be. I need to seperate myself not further but completely. Its really bad to say because my life has not been that bad, but im tired of living a mediocre life, I am tired of having raggidy clothes, beat up car, worn out shoes, hardly anything nice, because I need to work to support a household that can't even support itself... I am 23 and the youngest of the bunch and struggling... I can't do this anymore I feel like I am spread way to fucking thin. I can't juggle this shit anymore... And for those that don't know I decided to get a house cause the house my family was in was way to small for all of us and we needed something that could start us on our lives... So I own a house in Lancaster, I bought my very first working car, I was working a minimum wage job in Lancaster, then I started going to school full time, picked up another job, got to play rugby one season, been poor, never had the time to really get out and have a life been driving and making sure I get to work and school and still have time to do homework and sleep make practice when I played, been single for 4 years now so the heart department has been really weak... Most of my time is spent driving and there are a few things that I probably missed here and there but its been pretty fucking busy for me... I need some time off I need time to relax. Granted lately I have been able to go out a lil more but its not doing anything for me... Its just alot and I am fucking tired and frustrated and at 23 I shouldnt be worrying about all this fucking shit... I am throwing in half of my white towel I can't do it anymore...

The Man in Life

So recently I have been feeling lonely, feeling like I want/need someone to wake up to to have someone to come home to. There has been 1 man that started filling in that void the one I knew for over 4 years now. But I have always never been the one for him... I started to just try and live life, to experiance the world in a light that I am not used to, and in that time I have met and been with some amazing people. But over this very weekend I relized there was another... I can't believe I didnt relize it before, but with all said and done its never gonna happen because of something that I did to him, something that I can never take back, something I wish I didnt do. I know exactly the man in my life how I hope him to be. Just with those 2 men in my life I know one day he will be here, one day I can lay in his arms ask him how his day went, or just cuddle up with him with nothing to say just embrace him and feel his presence someone to be with me. Then maybe later on that nite have an intense sexual experiance, something that only Love can bring. One day, one day, he will come along and my life will be what I was hoping it would be... I due relize that I am emotional at times and i'm still learning to control it. But if you know something about me you know that feelings play a good role in my life, and I still am learning to understand them for I have been trying to supress them supress trying to understand them. I relize now how important they are. They are what make you relize the man you seek, the man that you envision, the man you might see after its to late... All you have to do is remember one he will be here...

The Violator

I have opened a new chapter in my life and the people I have vibed with have been added into my life, there are a handful, but they are ones that I wish to cherish. But with myself pulled away from interacting with people I am learning that what may be ok with me may not be ok with them. The things I do some uncontrollable some just out of stupidity because I let things get the better half of me, Violate the integrity of the amazing relationships that I had started to build. I ask myself how can someone else trust me if I can not trust myself? These things the ones that I am learning of late is what is costing me my life, it is what makes me part of the Living Dead, the ones alive but not living a life. For my self to succeed, to be apart of the living I have to educate myself on these aspects of relationships and hold true to them. I have to allow myself to get close without attaching. Its these small things in life that make life. Its the small things that you have to love for the rest to blossom into something bigger...

The Killer

So, throughout my life I have distanced myself and removed myself from people and relationships that have proven to be wrong to me in some way shape or form. Trust has always been broken and someway or form been misused. For the longest time I have spent life alone but wandering and exploring and watching the ways of life, the ideas of what life could be, I was always in the land of imagination and happy, but why can't I live that life now, not that I am older now that I am becoming my own man I have begun to trust again and to involve people in my life. However, that I have distanced myself for so long I dunno how to interact with people anymore, I don't even know how to approach people anymore... I have run into a couple of people of my life that have made me stronger and helping me make myself into the person I imagined to be and the person I can be. But, with those same people I've become a Killer and have been smoothering them in my hands to where they have become distant from me...  It was a lil bird in my hands I was hanging on to the way they were making me feel so tightly that I was killing them and that I need to open my hands and let them fly free... I have to let them know that I am there and then from there let them be there for me and give them space and maybe they will come to me... People that I vibe with I have noticed I quickly get attached and I need to withdraw I need to not press on them for if I do I will forever be alone... for I will truly be the Dead amongst the Living...