The Phoenix

I am starting to come to a realization that I am like a phoenix. I have such great highs but then I come dropping down and slowly built up again. I would say right now in my life I am hanging in there. Again to self evaluate I see that I am emotional and that isn't necessarily a bad thing but I can't let it from stopping me from doing the things to help transcend myself. Right now I have just been here at home for the past week hardly stepping outside not even going anywhere. Been trying to create things that just aren't working out and getting frustrated. I am also noticing that I don't push myself as hard as I should and I always wonder why? Maybe its because I have no Goals, no Ambitions, no Drive to be better. I have no standard I want to reach and thus I am here in my embryotic state as my mind and body forms for the birth of me to start learning to start finding what I enjoy and love again. However this time around I don't want it to fade. Maybe I just need to sit down and ask me the basic questions in life that I hardly know the answers too. I need to stop saying maybe and have a solid answer. I should stop being so coy and speak up. I should stop concerning so much about my self and more for my well being. I should stop to consider that if I keep on the path that I am going I will end up homeless, without fast communication, without worldly knowledge. I should see the things that are wrong and just fix them instead of asking why. But rather remember the reason why is cause it will be better in the long run, because no one will be there to take care of you when you are older. Sometimes I just got to let myself cry cause Phoenix tears do have healing powers...

The Destruction of Me

Each day that I am here and leave myself to be inside I realize that I am becoming more and more lazy, but also the fact that I am becoming more and more scared. I have the hugest anxiety when something new is happening it almost feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. I learned to notice such anxiety and try to control it best I can. I am still apprehensive to even order food whenever I go somewhere. I know I need a job and frankly it would probably help solve most of my problems. I always hear stories about people working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet and yet I look at myself and ask why aren't I doing that. Why am I not moving forward to being and becoming everything that I can be? I even questioned well maybe I need to learn strength maybe I should enlist in the military, maybe I need some type of order in my life. Then comes the doubts of I want to do that but I can't I am not good enough i won't survive. I even look at my past blogs I was doing so good what happened? Why do I sabotage myself? With each passing day I see myself just withering away and I feel like I can do nothing about it and letting life take its course with me. Then I remember what I have told myself not to become and I have become it. I am so frustrated with myself that I just want to break everything in my sight just take all my stuff that I have and drive as far as my car would take me and just be some where else. Be that person that just can't enjoy life anymore that doesn't want to push that just is... an empty shell of a man... no feeling, no cares, no hope, just nothing... I dunno what I am gonna do with myself and I don't know what will happen but I have to take the consequences and life with them the best I can... I think its time I just step over that line...

Reunion

I just watched a series of Military surprise homecomings and I do get teary about those types of things and of course me being me I reflected on it. With the way I grew up and how disconnected from my family that I am, makes me wonder. There are many things in this world that people want. Sometimes its a material thing, physical, or even emotional. Mine is more emotional, I just want someone that I can connect with that I can miss and that when after so many years I can run to them and vice versa. I just want that connection with someone to be close with someone. Someone I can be vulnerable with and that the world around me in a way doesn't matter. Its a mindset that I really do need to get out of. Let me give you a window to what my thought process of emotions go through. So, hypothetically if I were to drop dead right now, who would be at my funeral who would even care? My family has hardly no idea of my life and frankly out of my friends they wouldn't even know who to contact who to call because they just wouldn't know. Then I think ok well lets say my friends can't get in contact how would my funeral go if it was just my family. All I can think of is everyone is dressed in black and its super hot so some people have those paper fans and people are listening to some really monotone person about something and people looking at watches and rolling their eyes as to why they are even there. Kinda sad to think of right? Then I think of my friends and ask myself okay who would really be there and cry for me, who have I impacted so much they would take the time to be there. There are few, but one for sure. I haven't been around people long enough to make that judgement except for that one. People are becoming part of my past so easily but I hardly see anyone in my future. It is rather depressing but that is just how my clock ticks. Its questions that I ask. I don't want this to offend anyone because I have made some awesome friends, but like I said I haven't been around enough to make that judgement. I really hate being in this type of mindset however it comes and goes. I know there are people that care I just wish they would show it more often. But, people forget people and then thats when it becomes to late.

Reminiscing

Right now I am listen to some Marching Music, and for those wondering its my favorite show Scheherazade by Key Poulan. It just makes me remember all the fun times I had while marching and how even though you feel like your in a glass bowl with so many people staring at you, it felt so great to perform! I really do think for my sake that I need to march at least one more time. Hearing that audience reaction the cheers after a catch, when people connect with you while you perform, its so thrilling! There really aren't word to express how it is on the floor. For me its a euphoria like type state. However, there have been shows where I wasn't into it and it just felt like work. I think this is what will rekindle my fire. Something to think about in the Future cause I won't be able to do anything again till August since I am already to old for Drum Corps unless I do an all age corps which I don't think will happen. I miss Dayton, Ohio for WGI champs just the energy there its mind blowing. I just need to push myself to be there again to get into that performance mode again to werk it out!!! lol Ahhhh memories....

Passion

So I always self reflect and I always ask questions.... The biggest ones right now is my future and my passion. I am very scared for my future because I don't know exactly where I will be I don't see alot for myself. Which ultimately comes from my passion now. I don't know what I want to do I don't have a real passion for anything. I am a jack of all trades but master of none. I want to do something I love something I am not good at but amazing at. I don't want to do something that I am gonna hate for the rest of my life, I don't want to put myself somewhere that I am not doing to the best of my abilities but staying somehwhere that is safe... The past month or so has been great its been amazing actually I found myself new friends and I they are all strong, have big characters and have this drive this passion this fulfillment of life that I'd like to have one day... Finding my voice, finding my niche is what I am in search for... I like to talk to people about it and get different points of view but it seems that I always get the same cliche answer or an answer I am not looking for... I have a hard time connecting with people because I am such an emotional type person... Don't get me wrong I don't wear my heart on my sleeve when I am around people you will never see me cry. But, if you get close with me you will see my heart. I want the best for everyone and I try to help if I can, but I know that right now I need to not help everyone and really focus on me wanting the best for me and helping myself be the best I can be... There is just so much doubt so much expectation that I don't want anymore.... I just want to be free and be myself without the doubt without expectation...

Self Reflection

I kinda look back at my blog and read how depressing my life is that I make it. My last one was a bit more optimistic. Currently I am still in that coccoon state but the cracks and there are small beams of light shinning into my dark world that I have put myself in. In this new year my whole thinking I have to change and push harder. My first goal is become more active instead of the couch patato that I have become I have gotten back into Rugby and I am kinda doing a Home workout which is pushing my cardio and I like it. Second to get all my affairs in order and get myself working in the Electrical field or any field at that. Third by having a job and making money slowly start transitioning into making myself better in the sense of having clothes that aren't holy and worn out, taking better care of my car or even get a new one, just the small things. Forth and last, to be on my own in the world and be apart of it rather than just living in it. I hardly go out, I hardly go out to nice resturants or even go sight seeing make life more enjoyable. Lot of people don't understand me but I hate going out on the exspense of someone else, reason being is because I really can't return the favor and I wish I could but at the moment I am just not there. I have always come across people that I take fond of people that I want to help out and take care of but at the same time I really have to look at it as if I can't take care of myself how can I take care of them? Maybe I will be making a video blog soon about this too just so that I have something to look back on and actually see myself and remind myself of everything that is processing and going on...