The Destruction of Me

Each day that I am here and leave myself to be inside I realize that I am becoming more and more lazy, but also the fact that I am becoming more and more scared. I have the hugest anxiety when something new is happening it almost feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. I learned to notice such anxiety and try to control it best I can. I am still apprehensive to even order food whenever I go somewhere. I know I need a job and frankly it would probably help solve most of my problems. I always hear stories about people working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet and yet I look at myself and ask why aren't I doing that. Why am I not moving forward to being and becoming everything that I can be? I even questioned well maybe I need to learn strength maybe I should enlist in the military, maybe I need some type of order in my life. Then comes the doubts of I want to do that but I can't I am not good enough i won't survive. I even look at my past blogs I was doing so good what happened? Why do I sabotage myself? With each passing day I see myself just withering away and I feel like I can do nothing about it and letting life take its course with me. Then I remember what I have told myself not to become and I have become it. I am so frustrated with myself that I just want to break everything in my sight just take all my stuff that I have and drive as far as my car would take me and just be some where else. Be that person that just can't enjoy life anymore that doesn't want to push that just is... an empty shell of a man... no feeling, no cares, no hope, just nothing... I dunno what I am gonna do with myself and I don't know what will happen but I have to take the consequences and life with them the best I can... I think its time I just step over that line...

Reunion

I just watched a series of Military surprise homecomings and I do get teary about those types of things and of course me being me I reflected on it. With the way I grew up and how disconnected from my family that I am, makes me wonder. There are many things in this world that people want. Sometimes its a material thing, physical, or even emotional. Mine is more emotional, I just want someone that I can connect with that I can miss and that when after so many years I can run to them and vice versa. I just want that connection with someone to be close with someone. Someone I can be vulnerable with and that the world around me in a way doesn't matter. Its a mindset that I really do need to get out of. Let me give you a window to what my thought process of emotions go through. So, hypothetically if I were to drop dead right now, who would be at my funeral who would even care? My family has hardly no idea of my life and frankly out of my friends they wouldn't even know who to contact who to call because they just wouldn't know. Then I think ok well lets say my friends can't get in contact how would my funeral go if it was just my family. All I can think of is everyone is dressed in black and its super hot so some people have those paper fans and people are listening to some really monotone person about something and people looking at watches and rolling their eyes as to why they are even there. Kinda sad to think of right? Then I think of my friends and ask myself okay who would really be there and cry for me, who have I impacted so much they would take the time to be there. There are few, but one for sure. I haven't been around people long enough to make that judgement except for that one. People are becoming part of my past so easily but I hardly see anyone in my future. It is rather depressing but that is just how my clock ticks. Its questions that I ask. I don't want this to offend anyone because I have made some awesome friends, but like I said I haven't been around enough to make that judgement. I really hate being in this type of mindset however it comes and goes. I know there are people that care I just wish they would show it more often. But, people forget people and then thats when it becomes to late.

Reminiscing

Right now I am listen to some Marching Music, and for those wondering its my favorite show Scheherazade by Key Poulan. It just makes me remember all the fun times I had while marching and how even though you feel like your in a glass bowl with so many people staring at you, it felt so great to perform! I really do think for my sake that I need to march at least one more time. Hearing that audience reaction the cheers after a catch, when people connect with you while you perform, its so thrilling! There really aren't word to express how it is on the floor. For me its a euphoria like type state. However, there have been shows where I wasn't into it and it just felt like work. I think this is what will rekindle my fire. Something to think about in the Future cause I won't be able to do anything again till August since I am already to old for Drum Corps unless I do an all age corps which I don't think will happen. I miss Dayton, Ohio for WGI champs just the energy there its mind blowing. I just need to push myself to be there again to get into that performance mode again to werk it out!!! lol Ahhhh memories....