Power of the Heart

It's been awhile since I have been here. I use this place as a place to vent due to the fact that I haven't found someone to connect with on the same level. I am not saying I don't have friends but just not with friends in the same mindset as mine... Recently I have been feeling lost in a sense of am I doing what I am supposed to be doing. There was a speech Steve Jobs gave in 2005 at Standford university for their commencement, he said "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become." I have kept this with me for a while and I dunno i am trying so hard to listen but with everything that has been going on I can't focus. I just seem to be floating in the stream of space... I came across this book titled "The Power of the Heart" by Baptist of Pape. It talks about asking the heart and the listening... But all that I tend to feel in my heart is Love and how I am missing it. It's like if I were to just have that, that I can reach the stars because by myself I can't. I need a boost, in a way I almost feel like Tink in the sense I need someone to believe in me for me to be alive and do what I was meant to do in my life. The friends that I do have some might understand but that is slim to none and frankly on a spiritual level with a more serious tone I no one has. Its weird deep down I feel like I haven't shown my true self to anyone, or that I have been able to be in the capacity to show my true self... It makes since that because I don't have that person I can see on a regular basis a person that understands me more fully that I am losing myself more and more. The man I am is just a memory almost and with the years going by it just fades the memory just gets blurrier and blurrier... My heart is trying to let me know but I can hardly understand it. I just don't know what to do anymore except just sit here in a slump. I can work I can do things but everything I do or try isn't fulfilling and I don't know why... I don't understand with the life I have that I can't just be truly happy on my own... I just don't understand this power that my heart is trying to give me....

I am a Villain

Tonight I broke down and began crying... Not exactly sure why but the combination of anger, frustration, the chaos in my head... The blogs I write here are usually on the moment and just my process of thought. My life I hate it and I try to change it but then I end up just giving up or not following through... What I have feared the most is becoming reality... I am useless... There have been days of me thinking what if I were to just drive off a cliff what if I were to just jump of a ledge... I am becoming numb to the happiness I am now believing I will never get... Saying this just made me realize why I connected with Villains so much... Villains are the result of being denied their happiness, having something so good taken from them, and that one seems to understand. Most of the people in the world only share their happiness, what they believe should be remembered... I just watched a clip of a video where it was said "I am useless when I'm happy" and maybe that is my truth. Maybe that is a reason I am here with the anger the frustration the chaos that I have is because that is where my power stems from my strength, just like the villains in the stories. I have had people tell me when conversing with them about my sad and depressing posts that they would never have the balls to post that, that they would never get to personal on a social media platform but would rather talk with people in person. I look to myself and say I can't do that because the only form of communication I seem to get is through social media. I've given up on mostly everyone in my life and trying to hang out with them or try to talk to them personally mainly for the fact that I never get a response, or the people that have given up on me because my schedule is so tight... I am struggling in this life and I am getting weaker and weaker... I feel as though I am the support for so many but I have little to no support in return... When I say that I really want a relationship that I want to be with someone its not the fact that I want it, it's also the fact that I need it... My life is fading whether or not I maybe young and only in my 20's tomorrow is never guaranteed. I am becoming more and more numb with each passing day and who knows before I fully turn into darkness with no room left for light...